(note to self: make sure hairpiece is on straight before making way to stage. THIS IS IMPORTANT! DO NOT FORGET TO CHECK THE RUG!)

Thank you. Thanks. (much applause, etc.) No really, c'mon now. Okay. (more applause) Thank you. Thanks so much. Really, you're too kind. (standing ovation?) Oh no. Please, take your seats. Thank you (etc.)

(wait for crowd noise to subside. if cheering goes on for over four minutes, begin to point to other webloggers in the audience; alternate between waving and giving the thumbs up sign, etc...)

Thank you. Boy, this sure is a surprise! When I first submitted my site to the Academy for consideration, I never in a million years dreamed that one day I'd be up here at this podium accepting this award.

(more applause. go into "gee willikers" routine. try to appear grateful and surprised by outpouring of affection and admiration. would it be possible to wipe away a tear at this point?)

Let me begin by saying what an honor this award is. With so many other fine blogs out there, I am truly honored and surprised by my selection.

Back when I was a little boy growing up in the rice fields of Korea, never could I have imagined that one day I'd be here with you tonight.

I accept this award on behalf of all the bloggers out there, who pour their blood and sweat into every link, and who work so tirelessly to inform and entertain, even infotain us. (wave to Gilbert and wink)

(note to self: I wonder if its possible that Gilbert would put us up while we are in Austin. Plus side: free lodging. Minus side: may make it awkward to hire escort. Better perhaps to just stay at the fancy hotel the conference is sure to provide for Winners.)

This is so unexpected. I didn't prepare any remarks but I would like to take this opportunity to thank a few people without whom my weblog could never have become the best weblog in the world.

(more applause)

I'd first like to thank God for making me such a good weblogger. I know I am blessed with a special gift for posting links and snarky remarks and I owe any success I've enjoyed to His grace.

(applause)

Also, I'd like to thank my mom and my dad. Although they are not talking to me anymore, I know they love me and that has been a big source of support for me during the early days of this adventure. Thanks you guys, wherever you are.

And Mom, I'm sorry about that time I stole money out of your purse. And I'm sorry about all those dirty magazines I used to keep under my mattress. And I'm sorry about those times I got arrested and you had to come and bail me out and even that one time that you didn't in order to teach me a lesson-- not to call you if I ever got arrested again!

(laughter)

Just kidding Mom! I love you and now that I am a man, I understand that you only had my best interest at heart.

Also, I'm sorry about that time I was housesitting for the neighbors and my friends and I drank all their liquor and got sick in their rec room and re-filled the bottles with water and how embarassed you were when they came back from vacation and demanded to know why I had gone through Mrs. Shaffer's underwear drawer and how come some of her jewelry was missing. Mom, Dad-- I love you.

(applause)

It's kind of strange being a celebrity. Nothing in life can prepare you for it. And let me tell you, it's not all glamourous parties with Simon LeBon and supermodels and people giving you free drugs...well, there's some of that, but not as much as you might think.

(laughter)

Unless you're the Allman Brothers in which case life is probably pretty good...

(laughter)

Wait a minute, the Allman Brothers don't have a weblog do they?

(sustained laughter, applause, ovation?; give thumbs up sign, smile)

But seriously, sometimes I have a hard time convincing people of my celebrity status. You would have thought that by now evryone with a browser and a modem would be following the online exploits of webloggers, but this is not in fact the case.

Bloggers! We still have a lot of outreach work to do! There are still some people, perhaps even here tonight, maybe in the seat right next to you, who have never seen a weblog or who have never even heard of weblogs. Yes! It's true!

So I make this challenge:

To all webloggers, and to our brother and sisters in the e/n, journal and webzine communities, let us join together in links of love and take back what is rightfully ours! Let us join together; for together we can take back the web!

(pound on podium-- cue confederates to begin chanting, "Take back the web! Take back the web!" or perhaps "Metascene! Metascene!")

Although I stand here alone tonight accepting this award for the creating, developing, promoting, and maintaining the Best Weblog in the World, I couldn't possibly have done it alone all by myself. Well, maybe I could have (laughter, but keep going) but there are some folks without whom most of what I have accomplished would not have been possible. I share this award partially with them.

(applesauce)

Although there is not time enough to thank them all, I'd like to single out a few of the weblogs that were instrumental in my early development and which continue to challenge and inspire me to do excellent work. Most of the time anyway. (laughter, applause)

Justin Hall and Bud.com, who inspired me to start making web pages and for turning me onto a different side of the web. And even though you never replied to my email, I probably wouldnt have replied to my email back then either.

Dave Winer for inventing the weblog. Thanks Dave. I know you have no idea who I am, but I sure as hell know who you are! Any chance you could introduce me to Courtney Love?

Al Gore for inventing the weblog. Thanks Al. I know you have no idea who I am, but I sure as hell know who you are! Any chance you could introduce me to your daughters?

Robot Wisdom. One of my earliest inspirations and the rock upon which this Weblog Nation is built. Hale fellow, you are well met.

CamWorld. Another early inspiration. I didn't really feel like I had made it in the weblog world until you included me on your list of links. You inspired me to "think outside the box" and I am a better weblogger for it. Thanks.

Rebecca's Pocket. The first weblogger to send me supportive email. I stole some design and layout and font ideas from Rebecca, who's real name you should know is Jessica. She has always been supportive of my efforts even when I didn't deserve it.

JJG/Infosift. Another early inspiration. From JJG, I saw that weblogs could be smart, funny and useful. Early on, I totally ripped off his style and format. Thanks also for letting me tag along with you a bit at last year's sxsw.

Alice for putting up with my impossible email and for showing me the value of highlighting personal spaces on the web.

Jessamyn. For being my friend.

Eatonweb, home of the definitive weblog list proper. I have enjoyed watching Brig's page grow and mature. I can honestly say that it's better now than it has ever been.

Jack Saturn. For letting me hang out vicariously with the cool kids who dress kinda funny. One of the first weblogs I read that combined aspects of the journal and the weblog.

Kempa. For saying nice things about me all the time and making me feel like someone was reading.

Jason Kottke. For inspiring me to provide pithy, insightful analysis of website design, cyberculture and life in these times. However, since I suck at that stuff, I think I'll stick to the corny, inconsequential gig I have now. Also, for challenging me to persue side projects and non-weblog related experiments.

Hotsy Totsy. For offering to show me the town and then not getting mad when I Failed to Appear. Also for making weblog reading a challenge and an exercise in intellectual acumen. I love a good mystery.

Cardhouse. For challenging me to take chances and for taking me to many starnge and wonderful places. Always a valuable resource and well worth the trip.

Andrew. For re-inventing the form and helping to make the web fun and accessible. If you read a funny weblog, chances are you have Andrew to thank. Or blame.

Misterpants. For including me on his start page. And also for letting me in on his true identity-- who knew that Don Knotts would make such an excellent weblog author?

Twernt. For laughing at my jokes and for clearing up that confusion regarding the sausage man. I think he's definitely pulling them out.

Beebo weblog ratings. For providing us with an accurate, objective measure of weblogs, for giving us yet another statistic to check everyday and for giving us something to talk about. I owe much of my success to the ego boost this list provides. Plus, Michael is a funny guy and you should all take him out to dinner sometime, even if there's a blizzard.

The Web Today. For inspiring other webloggers to view me with scorn, contempt and easy disdain. Bloat was my first taste of critical acclaim...that was a joke...get it? "critical acclaim"...nevermind, and Le Bloguer continues challenge me to come up with yet another update.

There are so many more I could name and I know I'm leaving some folks out.

Perhaps next year, when I will be launching "Metascene_2.tripod.com" I will have another chance to name some of the weblogs that continue to (inspire and challenge...used those words too many times, change later) me post the best updates I possibly can.

I thank you and look forward to checking in on your page once in a while to see what sort of nonsense you are getting up to.

Thank you. Thanks you very much. Let's have a big round of applause for all the weblogs out there! Yeah! Weblogs!

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